Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
