Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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