Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize
