:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
