Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
