Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I believe in your delicious
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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