the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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