you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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