no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
