my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Randomize
