why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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