I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
