she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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