I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Sext me about skeletons
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
