i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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