A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
