just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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