Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
