Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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