I looked at my own cervix.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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