i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
