It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
