It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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