yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
time to smoke my breakfast
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
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