Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
