This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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