I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
