the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
