Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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