remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
