so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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