Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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