Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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