Just fell off a train. Bad.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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