I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
you will always have a special place in my vag
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
