My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize