Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
