sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
