So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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