He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
it was like having sex with a tree stump
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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