Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
