I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i wish my penis had a tongue
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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