and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
