There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
