No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
