Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
