my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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