I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
