So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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