i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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