I am in a vortex of obligation.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
