I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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