im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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