I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
