if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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