Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
