she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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