We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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